Perhaps you’ve heard it said that some men are more in touch with their “feminine side” than others. Perhaps the infertility challenge has developed the capacity in you to talk things through as women like to do, or enhanced that capacity if you already had it. Has the inability to “fix” this damned fertility quest made mince meat out of your “masculine side”? Do you feel frustrated and maybe even helpless because you want to fix things for the woman you love? Even if you’re a magician, you can’t. Infertility has a way of forcing you to accept a timetable that you can’t legislate. Things only work out as they can.
You might be surprised to learn that less can be more. Here are a few ways to keep it simple:
1. Try no words. Just sit or lie next to one another. Snuggle. Physical contact reduces blood pressure. Ask the primates whose blood pressure goes down with their grooming behavior.
2. Try a few words:
· “We’ll get through this.”
· “It’s hard to be patient, but reality demands it now.”
· “We’ll find the resilience we need to keep on keeping on.”
· “Let’s keep the faith.”
· “How about we presume that it will all work out?”
· “Let’s keep the heart as the heart of the matter – I love you.”
3. If you must speak, make it about hearing without solving. One of you (person A) says what’s most upsetting. Person B must be able to repeat what Person A says. Then Person B speaks and Person A must repeat what was said. Here’s the deal: Repeating what the other said is the point so each of you feels understood.
4. Find a way to laugh. It is truly good medicine, and it’s free.
What if your spouse isn’t buying this? In the gentlest of ways (your feminine side) insist (your masculine side) the she give it a try. Why? Because the more time you spend in NOT obsessing, the more space there is for the bodymind to return to neutral. Sound hokey? Well consider that infertility is about getting pummeled on a regular basis. Therefore, it’s important to find a way to be okay after each insult. Otherwise you’ll not only feel beaten to a pulp, you’ll be beaten to a pulp. Resilience is about recovering from traumas, not about avoiding them or denying them.
The bad news is that infertility challenges you to grow. The good news is that infertility challenges you to grow. And more good news – you get to grow together!
©Helen Adrienne 10-21-13
You might be surprised to learn that less can be more. Here are a few ways to keep it simple:
1. Try no words. Just sit or lie next to one another. Snuggle. Physical contact reduces blood pressure. Ask the primates whose blood pressure goes down with their grooming behavior.
2. Try a few words:
· “We’ll get through this.”
· “It’s hard to be patient, but reality demands it now.”
· “We’ll find the resilience we need to keep on keeping on.”
· “Let’s keep the faith.”
· “How about we presume that it will all work out?”
· “Let’s keep the heart as the heart of the matter – I love you.”
3. If you must speak, make it about hearing without solving. One of you (person A) says what’s most upsetting. Person B must be able to repeat what Person A says. Then Person B speaks and Person A must repeat what was said. Here’s the deal: Repeating what the other said is the point so each of you feels understood.
4. Find a way to laugh. It is truly good medicine, and it’s free.
What if your spouse isn’t buying this? In the gentlest of ways (your feminine side) insist (your masculine side) the she give it a try. Why? Because the more time you spend in NOT obsessing, the more space there is for the bodymind to return to neutral. Sound hokey? Well consider that infertility is about getting pummeled on a regular basis. Therefore, it’s important to find a way to be okay after each insult. Otherwise you’ll not only feel beaten to a pulp, you’ll be beaten to a pulp. Resilience is about recovering from traumas, not about avoiding them or denying them.
The bad news is that infertility challenges you to grow. The good news is that infertility challenges you to grow. And more good news – you get to grow together!
©Helen Adrienne 10-21-13
Helen Adrienne has been a psychotherapist in private practice since 1979. Although a general therapist, she has specialized in working with people dealing with infertility. Helen is trained in mind/body therapy and clinical hypnotherapy and conducts mind/body stress reduction classes at NYU Fertility Center. Helen has presented at national and international conferences.
Her book, On Fertile Ground: Healing Infertility launched as a #1 best seller on Amazon.Her website contains a wealth of informationwww.mind-body-unity.com
Follow Helen on Twitter @BabyManifest_O
Upcoming Events: "Living a Fertile Life" Retreat February 15-22, 2014 in Costa Rica --A Week of Experiencing the Path to Mindfulness Register Here
Her book, On Fertile Ground: Healing Infertility launched as a #1 best seller on Amazon.Her website contains a wealth of informationwww.mind-body-unity.com
Follow Helen on Twitter @BabyManifest_O
Upcoming Events: "Living a Fertile Life" Retreat February 15-22, 2014 in Costa Rica --A Week of Experiencing the Path to Mindfulness Register Here
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